I’m so sick of the church.
Just this week the church hurt my husband, gossiped about a friend and swore in front of my kids. The church who loves God, studies His Word and teaches others about Him is a hypocrite. Although I can tolerate mistakes, I’m struggling with how quickly the church defaults to perpetual and habitual hypocrisy. As I have written before however, the church isn’t a building or a denomination. It isn’t a group of rules, religiosity or really cleaned up people.
The church is me.
I hurt my husband, gossiped and swore in front of my two adult children this week. I vocalized my disdain for someone in front of my kids’ friends and took the Jesus fish off my car because my driving is giving Him a bad name. I teach women God’s Word and just wrote my first book about faith and serving in Jesus’ name yet, as I told my husband when apologizing to him for the 17 millionth time this week,
I have problems.
If you’ve read my blog before you’re wondering why I’m surprised at this. Why I’m lamenting about it again. You’re rolling your eyes and asking why we’re still talking about my propensity to swear, use sarcasm and have road rage…again. But still and again are the problem.
It isn’t that I make mistakes, it’s that mistakes are my default. My husband has a secular job, is not able to read his Bible as often as I do and doesn’t teach women yet his default is love, patience and gratitude. His kind responses are immediate. Although I fully understand and believe I’m forgiven, I’m tired of my immediate response being defensiveness and freely vomiting my opinion. I’m sick of fear, anger and criticism being my go-to. I’m tired of how naturally my husband looks like Jesus but no matter how much I pray and want to be different, I still look like me. I am the church, but I’m an extremely poor Poster Child for WWJD.
I understand the theological tenets of sanctification. Although I used to think sanctification meant I had to try harder to look more like Christ I’ve learned it’s the Holy Spirit who allows love, joy, peace and the rest of the Fruit of the Spirit to grow in me. I know, teach and believe(d) that. But I’ve also been a Christian for over twenty years and I’m now peeling my Jesus fish off my car? Once again, I have a lot of questions. Does Jesus work? If so, how? If I’m not controlled by my sinful nature (Rom. 8:9) why do I so readily look and feel like I am?
I don’t have any immediate answers, but because I’ve been mad at myself and questioned and doubted God before, I know this much. If we don’t continue to struggle with ourselves and God at times, we become satisfied and comfortable. Although I’m mad and questioning Him again, I guess I’d take that over being stagnant.
And I think He would too.