Yesterday I desperately and with complete faith He’d come through, asked God for help. When I read, “Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” in Thessalonians, I was convicted. I’ve been so stressed out with school, deadlines and life I’ve been irritable to my husband, children, the dog and anything else that gets between me and my to-do list.
Conviction from the Lord is always good, not condemning. That nudge to add to our faith, goodness and to goodness, self-control and to self-control, brotherly kindness – that’s for us. Being more loving definitely blesses others, but it’s also supposed to be a blessing to us. I don’t usually look at it that way though, mostly because I’m tired. Tired of trying, tired of making excuses, tired of apologizing just to turn around and be the same inconsiderate, impatient person I was before.
But yesterday when I prayed I really believed, “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” I banked on God to help me through all I had to get done and to not slap anyone along the way. I told him I had faith not in me, but in Him. I texted my husband, apologized and committed to prayerfully looking different. Yesterday went okay, and then today happened.
I woke up with an eye-twitch, pressure in my chest and I looked like a rat frenetically chasing something (while foaming at the mouth). I found myself right back to a disillusioned crazy woman who was angry at my husband, my to-do list and angry I tried to trust the Lord and here I was again.
Being a Christian is hard. It’s frustrating to pray and try to have faith in an invisible God, whose audible voice I’ve never heard. It’s difficult to want to truly look more like Jesus and instead wake up day after day looking like me. It is hard not because I’m a hypocrite, but because I’m a hypocrite trying really hard to be less of one.
What’s my point? Other than that I’m in a bad place and writing is my therapy, I guess this rant is to acknowledge being a Christian IS hard. It’s supposed to be according to the Bible, but that isn’t how we want it. It’s worth it and along the way we learn more, become stronger and in the end and for eternity it matters, but it’s hard. But without this hard Christian life I’d have no hope. I’d still be an impatient jerk and conviction would be condemnation. I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure all of that sounds even harder.
Oswald Chambers said, “If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all noble things are difficult. The Christian life is gloriously difficult, but the difficulty of it does not make us faint and cave in, it rouses us up to overcome.”
I’m feeling better already. If you needed this today, I hope you are too.