I’m sure some reading this want to respond to my “all about me” questions, but I already know there are theological answers and personal testimonies that make a lot of sense and are true according to the Bible. But when you are in the pit I believe you have to lurk around in the dark and receive from God exactly what He needs you to hear and learn exactly when He wants you to hear and learn it. The problem is not that I don’t know God’s truths in my head; the problem in the pit is I don’t feel or trust them in my heart of hearts. The beauty of it all of course, is that the pit is where those of us who are pretty thick skulled hear from Him best and learn the lessons deeply and personally. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to stay here long, but I have learned from past trips that there isn’t anything I can do to get out faster than God wants me to. As my friend Elizabeth says, “you can’t hurry through the places God wants to take you.” Kind of a bummer for a cigarette-boat-kind-of-girl, but I realize that is part of the lesson in the pit too.
A friend of mine who read my blog asked me what I really doubt in my faith. When I reread my blog I can see where that needs some clarification. I don’t doubt there is a God and I don’t doubt that Jesus Christ came to earth, died and was resurrected. I don’t know why but I have never doubted those two things. My doubt is more self-centered; why doesn’t God answer prayers when it says in John that if we ask anything in Jesus’ name that it will be done? Why has God broken my heart for something I cared nothing about and when I have responded in obedience to the best of my knowledge and ability for the last several months, has there been nothing but obstacle after obstacle and an immense amount of confusion, pain and hurt?
“God, as I walked this morning and thought more than prayed about things, I am thankful that I am not as uncomfortable in the pit this time. I know from past visits that I will get out, I will be better for it and that the unrest I am experiencing in the pit is okay. I realized this morning that whether it is pit dwelling or unanswered prayer, life with You does always at least provide a person hope. And as I have alluded to before in my blogs, in this crazy messed up world hope is kind of a big deal. I don’t know today if I believe that you don’t love me any less today because I am in the pit, but I know that is what your Word says. And you know that deep, deep down this pit-dweller is very thankful to You for that. That is about all I have for now God. If You need me, You know where to find me… Amen.”