As I continue to try to discern more about the will of God in this faith situation these past four weeks, I have been reminded how much I hate to wait. I hate inefficiency. I love drive thru’s and think that everything should have a drive thru. I have purchased hand soap from Amazon because it is inefficient to run to Target for one or two things that I could have delivered to my doorstep in two days. I like things done and over with and then I move on to the next thing that I want to be done and over with. I walk fast, talk fast and if you can’t keep up whether you are my children, my spouse or even God I will inevitably pass you by shouting, “C’mon everybody! Follow me!”
There are a plethora of problems with this way of living both practically and spiritually. From a practical standpoint I have conditioned my mind and body to always function at the speed of a cigarette boat. The stress, pace and my limited tolerance level for things that stand in the way of my efficient life are not healthy or pleasant to live with (just ask my husband who generally and wisely does life at the speed of a canoe). From a spiritual vantage point I am learning in this faith crisis that my inability to wait for God’s timing is like revving my engine trying to go really fast, all the while sitting there in neutral. I am beginning to learn that as much as I want to hurry up and get to the end of this faith crisis, there will just be another one waiting for me after that. And after that and after that. Living life at the pace I do (or wish I could do) or getting frustrated when I can’t live as quickly I want to go, I am learning is futile and foolish because as it says in Proverbs 21:30, “There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.”
The point of my life and my faith is not to get to the end of it as quickly as I can. The point of my life and my faith journey is to love God and love others TODAY. It is to “do today” and do it behind God, not in front of Him. I am learning though this faith crisis that my impatience and quest for perpetual efficiency does not demonstrate any degree of faith, is not honoring to the Lord and has illuminated the fact that I really do not desire His will if I am trying to control the when. And so I am learning to wait (very, very reluctantly).
“Dear Lord, thank you for this lesson. Thank you that your timing is so much better and so much more efficient than mine. Thank you for teaching me that efficiency really isn’t about how quickly we get something done or get to the end. Efficiency in your economy is about trusting your timing and in the interim following you and seeking you out wholeheartedly. Thank you for teaching me that knowing your will is really just knowing YOU and living in your ways. Thank you that you are slowing me down despite my resistance and propensity to still believe I know what is best, God. Your patience with me is a gift and an example that I hope I can follow better by your power and help. In Your Name, Amen.”